Rubin Reports articles in full are available on PajamasMedia.
By Barry Rubin
It is a sign of these times regarding the Internet that a man from Georgia in the United States has been blogging pretending to be a young gay Syrian woman describing conditions in Damascus. The headline revealing this was: "`Syria Gay Girl in Damascus' blog a hoax by US man." It is a sign of these times regarding contemporary politics that I am waiting to see the headline: "`Syria Reformist Dictator in Damascus blog' a hoax by US Government."
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Obituary: America Superpower, 67, Disappears, In Debt and Wracked With Guilt, Suicide Possible
This article was published on PajamasMedia. The text is presented here for your convenience.
By Barry Rubin
Once one of the world’s most respected and powerful forces, America Superpower has disappeared. Worried friends and relatives are engaging in a desperate search. Rumors abound, including stories that Mr. Superpower has been kidnapped; committed suicide; or merely has gone off on a prolonged vacation.
While opinions differ over the birthdate of America Superpower, many agree that he was born June 6, 1944, on taking the lead in launching the liberation of Europe. Following this event, Mr. Superpower began a spectacular rise to prominence. At the age of one, he defeated Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan. At age two he began his long, ultimately successful, work of stopping the spread of Soviet imperialism and Communism.
At times, Mr. Superpower made mistakes by having some unsavory friends. Yet what always prevailed was his ability to do so much good in the world and correct previous errors.
Like many, America Superpower had a troubled youth at times. Involvement in such issues as Vietnam and Watergate made some lose faith in Mr. Superpower’s abilities. Indeed, many date the problem to that era as the beginning of the decline. Others believe that the wounds were largely self-inflicted by some of his own ungrateful children.
Nothing should obscure, however, the great accomplishments of Mr. Superpower. He defeated several major and many minor Super Villains; spread prosperity and progress; and was a role model for many.
For a while, it was hoped that the September 11 attacks would revive Mr. Superpower’s self-confidence and energy. But in recent years, Mr. Superpower has been reportedly depressed. Such medications as the Stimulus only made things worse.
Especially important, according to some observers, is the choice of a poorly qualified business manager who wished to “fundamentally transform” Mr. Superpower. He ran up debts, constantly criticized Mr. Superpower, and urged him to remain passive lest he do even more harm.
Sinking into debt, forgetting his many accomplishments, and wracked in guilt, Mr. Superpower has obviously been in serious trouble. Now, to the delight of enemies and horror of friends, Mr. Superpower has disappeared altogether.
How this mystery will end is unclear. Some think Mr. Superpower has gone forever; others claim he left behind a note promising to return in January 2013.
By Barry Rubin
Once one of the world’s most respected and powerful forces, America Superpower has disappeared. Worried friends and relatives are engaging in a desperate search. Rumors abound, including stories that Mr. Superpower has been kidnapped; committed suicide; or merely has gone off on a prolonged vacation.
While opinions differ over the birthdate of America Superpower, many agree that he was born June 6, 1944, on taking the lead in launching the liberation of Europe. Following this event, Mr. Superpower began a spectacular rise to prominence. At the age of one, he defeated Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan. At age two he began his long, ultimately successful, work of stopping the spread of Soviet imperialism and Communism.
At times, Mr. Superpower made mistakes by having some unsavory friends. Yet what always prevailed was his ability to do so much good in the world and correct previous errors.
Like many, America Superpower had a troubled youth at times. Involvement in such issues as Vietnam and Watergate made some lose faith in Mr. Superpower’s abilities. Indeed, many date the problem to that era as the beginning of the decline. Others believe that the wounds were largely self-inflicted by some of his own ungrateful children.
Nothing should obscure, however, the great accomplishments of Mr. Superpower. He defeated several major and many minor Super Villains; spread prosperity and progress; and was a role model for many.
For a while, it was hoped that the September 11 attacks would revive Mr. Superpower’s self-confidence and energy. But in recent years, Mr. Superpower has been reportedly depressed. Such medications as the Stimulus only made things worse.
Especially important, according to some observers, is the choice of a poorly qualified business manager who wished to “fundamentally transform” Mr. Superpower. He ran up debts, constantly criticized Mr. Superpower, and urged him to remain passive lest he do even more harm.
Sinking into debt, forgetting his many accomplishments, and wracked in guilt, Mr. Superpower has obviously been in serious trouble. Now, to the delight of enemies and horror of friends, Mr. Superpower has disappeared altogether.
How this mystery will end is unclear. Some think Mr. Superpower has gone forever; others claim he left behind a note promising to return in January 2013.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Syrian Dictator Bashar al-Assad Sends an Email to President Obama
By Barry Rubin
The following email was recently received by the White House:
Dear President Obama:
My name is Bashar al-Assad. Not long ago my father died and left me an entire country in his will. It is a very valuable property but I am trying to market it internationally. If you would be willing to help I can promise that you will be richly rewarded.
I really want to develop good commercial relations with the West and get rid of my troublesome ally, Iran. In addition, I want to make peace with Israel and stop supporting terrorism. I would even like to make reforms in my country so that it can be a peaceful and happy democracy.
But I need your help. Please send me a U.S. ambassador without preconditions; ignore my backing for killing your troops in Iraq; overlook my backing for Hamas and Hizballah in killing Israelis; forget about my terrorism in Lebanon, including the murder of former prime minister Rafiq Hariri; shove into the memory hole my massive daily production of anti-American propaganda; have your officials including the secretary of state say nice things about me at the precise moment that I’m shooting down demonstrators and torturing dissidents; and send me people like Senator John Kerry who will believe everything I tell them.
If you do this and one other thing, we can be great friends and I’m willing to give you a lot of policy support; break with Tehran; and be a force for peace, love, and harmony in the Middle East.
That one other thing is so minor it’s hardly worth mentioning. OK. Here it is:
Send $5 billion in small-denomination currency to PO Box 1970, Secret Police Station, Damascus, Syria. When the money is received, I will deliver all the promised gifts to you and throw in a free eye exam for you and Michelle.
Don’t hesitate as this is a limited-time offer.
Sincerely yours,
Bashar al-Assad, ophthalmologist, Internet fan, political reformer, former Londoner (Go Chelsea!), and president of Syria.
The following email was recently received by the White House:
Dear President Obama:
My name is Bashar al-Assad. Not long ago my father died and left me an entire country in his will. It is a very valuable property but I am trying to market it internationally. If you would be willing to help I can promise that you will be richly rewarded.
I really want to develop good commercial relations with the West and get rid of my troublesome ally, Iran. In addition, I want to make peace with Israel and stop supporting terrorism. I would even like to make reforms in my country so that it can be a peaceful and happy democracy.
But I need your help. Please send me a U.S. ambassador without preconditions; ignore my backing for killing your troops in Iraq; overlook my backing for Hamas and Hizballah in killing Israelis; forget about my terrorism in Lebanon, including the murder of former prime minister Rafiq Hariri; shove into the memory hole my massive daily production of anti-American propaganda; have your officials including the secretary of state say nice things about me at the precise moment that I’m shooting down demonstrators and torturing dissidents; and send me people like Senator John Kerry who will believe everything I tell them.
If you do this and one other thing, we can be great friends and I’m willing to give you a lot of policy support; break with Tehran; and be a force for peace, love, and harmony in the Middle East.
That one other thing is so minor it’s hardly worth mentioning. OK. Here it is:
Send $5 billion in small-denomination currency to PO Box 1970, Secret Police Station, Damascus, Syria. When the money is received, I will deliver all the promised gifts to you and throw in a free eye exam for you and Michelle.
Don’t hesitate as this is a limited-time offer.
Sincerely yours,
Bashar al-Assad, ophthalmologist, Internet fan, political reformer, former Londoner (Go Chelsea!), and president of Syria.
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